I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
