I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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