Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
