so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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