haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
