i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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