Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
