I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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