Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
