you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
