The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
