Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
