I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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