is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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