I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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