I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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