just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
