So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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