I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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