i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
