Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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