I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize