u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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