I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
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