i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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