Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
