i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
my poor anus
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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