I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
