If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
