i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
