I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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