Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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