Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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