Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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