you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
