I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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