Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
