working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
