thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
