I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
