no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
