that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
