I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
