so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
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Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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