my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
