i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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