Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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