You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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