Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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