Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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