It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now