she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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