I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
