you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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