so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
