I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
