maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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