Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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