My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.