just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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