i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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